Tag Archives: Love

You Never Lose By Giving Love

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria213

You never lose by giving love, because offering it with sincerity, passion, and delicate affection dignifies you as a person. On the other hand, those who don’t know how to accept or take care of this immense gift are those who truly lose out. For this reason, you should never regret having loved and lost, because the worst thing is not knowing how to love.

Fortunately, neuroscience offers new and revealing information every day that explains why you act as you do concerning this thing called love. The first thing to remember is that your human brain isn’t prepared for loss. Hence, it overtakes you, immobilizes you, and traps you in suffering.

“Love has no cure, but it is the only medicine for all ills”

-Leonard Cohen-

You’re genetically programmed to connect with others and build emotional ties. These make you feel safe and help you build your life. In fact, this is how we’ve survived as a species, by connecting with others. Therefore, a loss, a separation, or even a simple misunderstanding can instantly trigger an alarm signal in your brain.

Another complex aspect concerning emotional relationships is the way in which you face these separations and losses. From a neurological point of view, stress hormones are instantly released, forming, in many cases, what we know as ‘the broken heart’. However, from an emotional and psychological point of view, you may experience another kind of reality.

In fact, you don’t only experience the pain related to losing your loved one. You also feel a loss of energy, of vital breath. It’s as if all the love you gave, all the hopes and affection you dedicated to that person are gone as well, leaving you feeling empty, barren, and withered.

How can you ever love again if the only things left inside you are bad memories? Well, as a matter of fact, you need to face these moments in a different way. Let’s take a closer look.

give love

Continue giving love or avoid loving again?

You’re comprised of a delicate and chaotic compendium of past stories, lived emotions, buried bitterness, and camouflaged fears. When you start a new relationship, you don’t put all your previous experiences in the recycling binYou don’t start from zero. Everything’s still there, and the way in which you’ve managed your past will dictate whether you live your emotional present with greater maturity and fullness.

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. “

-Alfred Lord Tennyson-

A bitter betrayal or the simple fact that your partner’s love for you has died greatly changes the way you see things. In fact, giving love so intensely at one point, only to later find yourself feeling empty and trapped by your memories and lost dreams can completely alter the make-up of your personality.

For example, you might become distrustful. Alternatively, you might adopt the isolating attitude of thinking that, to avoid suffering, it’s better not to love at all. However, these are slow processes of self-destruction.

You must never regret having loved, of risking all or nothing for that one person. It’s these acts that dignify you, that make you a wonderful human being. Living is loving and giving love gives meaning to your life through all the things you do: your work, your hobbies, and your personal and emotional relationships.

If you renounce love or regret having loved, you also renounce the most beautiful part of yourself.

Healing lost love

Binghamton University (USA) and University College, London (UK) conducted a study that stated there are certain differences between men and women when it comes to coping with emotional breakdowns. In fact, their emotional responses are very different. For example, women feel the impact of separation much more. However, they tend to recover earlier than men.

On the other hand, men usually appear, on the surface, to be okay. They give the impression of being strong and tend to take refuge in their occupations and responsibilities. Nevertheless, they don’t always manage to overcome the break-up. Furthermore, they may take years to do so. The reason for this is that women usually possess better skills in managing their emotional world. In fact, they gain relief because they seek help and they face what happened from a forgiving perspective. This makes moving on easier.

However, regardless of gender, or the reason that caused the break-up, there’s one thing that should be taken into account. It’s the fact that no emotional failure should ever prevent you from being happy again. Therefore, you must say no to being a slave to the past and a prisoner of eternal suffering.

give love

Another aspect that you should remember is that loving isn’t synonymous with suffering. For this reason, you shouldn’t ever keep a relationship going that’s well past its sell-by-date. Removing yourself will save unnecessary heartbreak and your brave goodbye will close one door and another will open, the one where love will be conjugated with the word happiness.

The Price of False Expectations: How “Romantic Culture” from the Past Destroys Relationships in the Present

Romanticism, according to author Alain De Botton, introduced the idea of love, romance, and soul mates into modern culture. Before that, marriage was more about business and procreation, not so much about personal fulfillment. Surely, there are some good things that came from romantic thinking, like the idea that love should be a guiding force inn relationships. But it also introduced several ideas that to this day cause the modern man and women a lot of problems.

Related These Cultural Myths Keep You Emotionally Sick and Unhappy in the Modern-Age

As we laid out in the above-related article, our beliefs and expectations about life greatly affect our sense of fulfillment, along with our goals and values.

For instance, if you assume everyone in life is good, kind, and honest when you encounter a mean, hateful, deceptive person, it will be very difficult for you to handle. Similarly, if you were taught that when learning something new, you’ll always do well in the first attempt, you’ll find it really hard to cope with failure when gaining new skills.

When ideals conflict with reality, they create unrealistic expectations that we assume are valid. We act as if these false ideals are approachable. When we fail to meet them, we’ll suffer the tragedy of low self-worth and self-judgment—because if the ideal is real, then the problem has to be us.

I would argue, this interplay between ideals, expectations, and our sense of fulfillment and satisfaction is one of the most important things to understand as a human being, Relationships and love are no exception.

Romanticism brought forth the idea of a soul mate. But to be clear, this idea isn’t new nor is there only one version.

The romantic concept of a soul mate is, I argue, unrealistic. There are other better definitions and ideals to work with when it comes to soul mate conceptualization. We’re going to focus on the bad one so you can understand why it creates so many issues.

The romantic version of a soul mate is this:

There’s a soul mate out there that was put here just for you. This soul mate will love you completely just as you are. They will know your every need. Satisfy your every whim without having to ask. And they’ll never challenge you, because, well, you’re already perfect. You’ll find your soul mate by feeling and instincts you don’t understand but are unmistakeable. One day, you’ll see them and it will just hit you “that’s my soul mate.” And from that moment on, all of your dreams for life will be within your grasp. They will perfectly and completely satisfy all your needs, without you having to say anything or work on yourself.

If you’re dating anyone and you feel anything less than what I just described, it’s because they aren’t your soul mate. You need to ditch them ASAP because your soul mate is right around the corner!

This is what mass media portrays to the average person, through social engineering via mass media. Granted, I took some liberties to exaggerate certain points, but the way we tend to act in relationships agrees with these characteristics of a romantic soul mate.

Anyone who’s been in a relationship longer than a few months, wherein true connection and soul growth was occurring, knows that the above is completely unrealistic.

Looking through the archives of relationship history, as compiled by historians, psychologists, dating coaches, and radio show call-ins (which, by the way, I review because answering the question of what ideal love is has been of vital importance), one thing becomes abundantly clear.

The above concept of a soul mate is a total myth.

The sheer reality of life is that, while sometimes people do things for you without you having to ask, no one is telepathic and no one should be expected to know your needs and meet them without communication. Expecting them to do so sets an impossible standard, making you feel persistently disappointed as you drive your partner insane trying to meet this irrational ideal.

Looking to common sense, resting on accumulated records of relationship dynamics and the problems they face, coaches report that if your partner isn’t meeting your needs its because either they refuse to do so (antagonism, a wellness issue) or they don’t know how because you haven’t told them (lack of clear communication on your part) or they aren’t sure how to do meet the need, once it’s been presented. For the most part, we generally want to meet our parter’s needs, albeit in a mutually beneficial way. It can be incredibly damaging to the other person why they try with all their might but they just can’t seem to make you happy. In short, this isn’t good for either party.

If we use another situation, like playing with other musicians or working with your colleagues at your job, would it make sense to think they will know automatically how to act for group success? Is it reasonable to assume your co-worker is going to know you’ll be late for work and come in early to cover you? Would your boss expect you to do well without training? Of course not. But in the realm of romance, all sorts of unrealistic ways of thinking seem to guide our lives. And, if you’re like most, you’ve never thought all that much about what you expect of your partner, taking the time to decide whether it’s reasonable or not.

But no more. It’s time to slaughter these sacred cows once and for all.

As one who cares deeply about my fellow humans, it pains me to watch people suffer so much in relationships. It can be a bitter pill to swallow but it’s one you’ll be so much happier with once you’ve come to terms with the truth and grieved the loss of this false ideal.

I admire Botton because he delivers the truth in a fun and captivating way, which makes you laugh at yourself for thinking these things are true. Don’t be too ashamed. We’ve all be duped into thinking like this to a certain extent.

We live in a world with pervasive social engineering and subtle influences. Most of the beliefs we have about romance come from times where we weren’t thinking critically, like watching how our parents interacted as children or zoning out in front of the TV watching a romance in a movie. These influences shape our views of what we think we should be doing in relationships.

As Botton outlines, the truth about these false ideals will set us free, but first, we have to allow ourselves to morn.

Psychologically, we are creatures that need to know how to act. When you tell someone their playbook is wrong and that it’s causing them problems, that is a good start, but we need something to replace it with. Thus, I would suggest, as you review this material, allow yourself the time to think about what it means to you. Go through the exercise of thinking of new ways to express your needs, founded on ideals that are in harmony with reality. In short, strive for ideals but be realistic so that you can replace bad ones with good ones.

In closing, the key to a successful relationship, which is a piece of wisdom shared by a great many throughout history, is communication. Unless you’ve made it clear what you want and work through that negotiation with another carefully, it’s not likely you’ll be satisfied.

In this way, one replaces the false idea that a relationship is perfect at the start with the truer idea that relationships become more perfect with dedicated effort, investment, and a willingness to improve and refine your thinking.

About The Author

Justin Deschamps has been a truth seeker all his life, studying physics, psychology, law, philosophy, and spirituality, and working to weave these seemingly separate bodies of information into a holistic tapestry of ever expanding knowledge. Justin is a student of all and a teacher to some, sharing what he has discovered with those who are ready and willing to take responsibility for making the world a better place. The goal of his work is to help himself and others become better truth-seekers, and in doing so, form a community of holistically minded individuals capable of creating world healing projects for the benefit of all life—what has been called The Great Work. Check out his project Stillness in the Storm to find some of his work. Follow on Twitter @sitsshowFacebook Stillness in the Storm, and minds.com.

Opinion: Can We Expect Peace Between Nations When Our Most Basic Relationships Fail?

Arjun Walia
August 6, 2020

To say that I’m sick of politics is like a chemo patient saying he feels under the weather. I’m dying here. I’ve pondered wearing earplugs to muffle the pundits. I’ve considered using Google glasses to program “Trump” and “Democrats” and “Republicans” out of my visual spectrum.

Because there’s one issue that must come before politics…

It’s marriage.

Our romantic relationships are the basic unit of civilization. Men and women have children and build families, which make up neighbourhoods, communities, cities, states, and nations. Basic logic, right?

And it takes civilized people to make a civilization. So how can we expect to have peaceful nations when our most basic relationships are downright crude? We have missions to Mars and particle colliders that are rumoured to open portals to new dimensions. But, when it comes to love… we’re dragging our knuckles on a flat Earth.

Our version of love is a cycle of insecurity

We can’t stand to be alone. But rather than learning to love our lives and find meaning alone, we place impossible standards for fulfillment on our lovers. We get a little security, and a lot of pleasure. But when the chemicals wear off, we’re left with the truth: We don’t know anything about our lovers.

And when we do get to know each other, we hate what we find. Then we split. But each split tears a thread in the fabric of our society, because family is our foundation.

We can thrust ourselves into heady political conversations, and pretend that our red (or blue) rage is going to build a better world. But those political solutions aren’t addressing the root cause of our pain. We just need to fix how we love first.

Foundations of love

Foundations are, well, foundational to success. So we pave them for our houses, we practice scales before learning a difficult piece of music, and we learn the fundamentals of math before going on to algebra and calculus. We know that we need a strong foundation for successful relationships, too. But who actually takes the time to build one?

Loving responsibly is hard. It seems outdated or religiously nonsensical by today’s standards (getting to know someone inside and out before you take them to bed?), but if you don’t have a strong foundation, you’ve got a house of cards. Just like every one of my previous relationships.

From age 12 I trained myself to objectify women by watching porn. And until my early twenties, I was more concerned about my next sexual fix than my career. I hooked up with girlfriends not because I wanted to love them with all my heart, but because they were my key to security and satisfaction — which I got, for a time. But the net result was an increasingly lonely, unfulfilled, and depressed version of me.

By the end of my last relationship, I seriously considered taking my own life. What was I doing wrong? After picking up reflective habits like journaling and meditation, I figured it out.

I wasn’t fulfilled alone. I was bored alone. And I was unsuccessful alone. But in my mind, relationships were magical things that would wash all the bad stuff away and make me happy — kind of like a drug. In reality, for each desire that I lacked on my own, like joy, or security, I was strangling my relationships with conditions.

I’d “love” a girl until I was no longer joyful with her, or until she bored me. Then, for each condition that she failed to meet — no one can be perfect 100% of the time — I withdrew my love from her, bit by bit. The withdrawals happened on her side, too.

By the end of my relationships, whether they were six-month flings or two-year engagements, the end was predictably uncivil. We abused each other with our language. We cheated on each other, and betrayed each other’s trust. We blamed each other on and on for what the other had failed to do. Almost sounds like our relationships with other countries…

But the real failure was in choosing each other as romantic partners. It was in pursuing love without getting to know each other’s values and character traits first — before we built a foundation. We gambled on placing our faith in each other. And, like most people, we lost. Big time.

Rather than castrating myself, or settling for an endless string of heartaches — somebody shoot me — I worked on the foundation of my next relationship. I worked on me.

I learned to lean into my insecurity

Instead of running for another girl when I got lonely, I leaned into my insecurity and learned more about me. I developed a prayer life and a relationship with God. And I stuck to my new habits of journaling and meditation.

Through mindfulness, I channeled my sexual desire into my goals and self improvement. I felt the urge to ogle gorgeous women, of course, and at 27, their beauty moves me now more than ever. But I trained myself to move in a positive direction, to express healthy emotions at a woman’s beauty — like gratitude, inspiration, and awe — instead of imagining how she could please me.

Then I took it a step further.

I disciplined myself to think of a woman’s future husband. Would he respect me for the way I was thinking about her? And then I’d think of my future wife. If I couldn’t expect myself to view other wives with dignity and respect, how could I expect that of other men in looking at mine?

In my new way of thinking, I shed my selfish ways and became a man — and a neighbour, and a lover. A year into the habit I became independent for the first time in my life. I discovered my writing career and found success in it. And I became a role model for other people.

My dramatic life change happened because I figured out how to harness my sexual desire in an uplifting way. And in learning how to love civilly, I became a functioning part of civilization. *But people still call me out for not voting…

How you can love civilly

The way we think about each other determines how we act: civil, or uncivil. So you’ve got to train yourself to think respectful and positive thoughts — especially when it comes to beautiful men and women.

No matter how much we hope, the magical love chemicals can’t erase reality: We either love each other with respect, or we don’t. And if we don’t, our relationships will degrade, and our families will degrade. And as our broken relationships pick up steam down the social gradient, our communities degrade, and our cities degrade. And if the cycle of uncivil romance continues, states and nations will degrade as well. It’s basic logic.

So, you can talk about what these morons in office are doing to feel important and keep you occupied… or you can do something that actually makes a difference. You can learn to love like a human-fucking-being. Pardon my crude language.

Learn to love for the long term. Build faith in yourself. Quit porn and casual sex. Become so joyful and inspired by your own life that you couldn’t imagine expecting anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Channel your sexual desire into your highest self. Use those urges to remind yourself of the things you haven’t done yet to become the person you want to be. Direct that energy into a future you would admire, and a person you’d be proud of.

And when you’ve changed the way you live and think, you’ll change the way you love. You’ll love civilly.

By your example, you’ll inspire others to take the harder path and to love civilly themselves. And when enough people do that… I won’t ever have to hear another political pundit for as long as I shall live. And I’ll thank you.

Love Makes Us More Intelligent, According to Neuroscience

 Exploring Your Mind
by Staff Writer,
June 16th, 2020

Some researchers concluded that love makes us more intelligent. This is because our brains have a “love neural network” and a particular biochemistry that activates and increases a series of cognitive functions.

Related Bowel and Brain – The Connection

People often say that, when a person falls in love, they lose their mind in one way or another. Well, actually, neuroscience has proven that the opposite is true! Love makes us more intelligent<t!

When a person’s in love, several things change in their brain and physiology. This experience is very special, precisely because of that.

Anyone who’s in love, particularly in the early part of the relationship, feels more awake and emotionally connected to the world. Also, they’re more empathetic and compassionate.

The fact is that love makes us better human beings. However, in addition to that, neuroscience discovered that love makes us smarter as well. Why? The chemistry of love resides primarily in the brain, and the transformation that falling in love entails also reaches areas that perform cognitive functions.

“To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life.”

-Pablo Neruda-

A couple hugging.

Love makes us more intelligent

In order to reach the conclusion that love makes us smarter, a group of researchers from the University of Chicago scanned the brains of several people who were in love. These images, along with other tests, showed that people who love also think faster, perceive other people’s ideas and behaviors more clearly, and are also more creative.

To reach these conclusions, the researchers used electrodes. They placed the electrodes on the heads of the participants and then showed them a series of photographs, including one of their partner. In addition, they also told them different names, including their partner’s name.

Then, the researchers discovered that 12 brain areas activated when these people saw their loved one or heard their name. One of the areas that showed particularly intense activity was the angular gyrus, one of the regions traditionally associated with abstract thinking and creativity. In fact, this activity didn’t stop when participants saw pictures of other people or heard other names.

“Losing your mind”

The results of the study were quite conclusive. Thus, you don’t “lose your mind” when you fall in love. In fact, love really does seem to make us more intelligent.

In this regard, the study researchers compare the angular gyrus to a small robot that can activate a complex neural network, since this area is highly connected to other brain areas.

The angular gyrus plays a role in functions such as number and language processing, as well as highly complex autobiographical data. This means that, along with love, we also acquire a special capacity to understand our own behaviors in a better way. This happens at a deeper level than in normal situations.

This thought and perception increase make people who are in love more capable of understanding other people’s behaviors on a deeper level. Thus, they perceive other people’s characteristics more effectively and recognize their feelings in a better way. That’s why researchers have concluded that loving makes us better people as well.

A couple in love.

Beyond the initial crush

It’s clear that all these brain activations and reactions are more intense during the infatuation stage. However, another study found that the same effects could be observed later on in the relationship. As long as love was present, there were very real benefits, even if that love wasn’t as effervescent as at the beginning.

A University of California study confirmed this. This time, the researchers studied a number of couples who’d been together for an average of 21.4 years. What these couples had in common was they all still claimed to be in love with their respective partners. The researchers found that their brains reacted similarly to the couples we mentioned above, who had recently fallen in love.

One particular observation was an increased amount of dopamine in their brains. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that has beneficial effects on a person’s mood and also influences cognitive activity. Basically, it helps to regulate and modulate information flows. In this regard, a dopamine deficit leads to memory, attention, and problem-solving difficulties.

Based on all this evidence, we can reach the conclusion that love indeed makes us more intelligent. Such intelligence not only applies to strictly cognitive matters but also encompasses the broader world of emotional intelligence.